Peace and mercy of Allah be on you.
There are times when marriages become unpeaceful and cause stress for couple, children and parents of couple.
Ahmadiyya Khalifah (may Allah be his Helper) analyzing the matter said that On one hand, matrimonial ties of young women are not made in their proper age by the family with excuse that they are studying. And eventually, when ties are made in over-ripe age, after completion of education, excuses are made that understating in couple is not possible....Some lady friends of young women fill wrong thoughts in their minds and teach them to make such and such demand from their husbands, and do not listen everything husbands say……Sometimes parents too, teach things to young women which finish the mutual trust between husband and wife or doubts begin to rise.
It is sad to see immigrant girls who make matrimonial ties in developed countries, they get colour of this society and begin to make wrong demands. Or sometimes, as soon as they reach in materially advanced countries, they break the ties even before starting new home.
This state is not only of young women. Young men too are doing same, perhaps more in proportion. The reason being, many young men and women too do not speak ‘qole sadid’ (true words). It has special connection with matrimonial ties. The special emphasis about ‘qol e sadid’ is made in verses which are read at the occasion of Nikah sermon…. Full circumstances are not mentioned to each other.
Sometimes, parents force young women for marriage to a certain person that he will be improved. These matrimonial ties have no parity in education and living style.
Similarly some young men have interest for some other women but they do not refuse parents and marry in (native country) or in relatives in (materially advanced country). Then after sometime, oppression starts to those helpless girls, first by husband then by the very mother-in-law who had brought her with lot of desire, and they by in-laws.
Anyway, hundred per cent blame of all these probems cannot be placed on any one specific, whether on young men or young women or in-laws of either side. In some case, boys are responsible and in some girls.
Furthermore, family problems affect children too. In some cases, after having many children, and living a good life, all of sudden the brain of man become irrational and he says he cannot live with his wife, therefore he is going to do another marriage or divorcing the wife…… Or after a long time, a wife says she has lived life with this man with lot of troubles, now she cannot bear anymore so she needs khula (procedure, by which wife takes divorce from husband). More applications come for khula in qada…..Any way, in such situations the children are affected. It is proven by worldly institutions that children suffer psychologically and morally, no matter, with whom they are living.
It does not matter who is responsible for these troublesome circumstances, whether husband who say wife create trouble:
- as they pursue career, in western society, and do not manage relation,
- or husband want to live with parents in start and wife do not want so,
- or wife do not have religious knowledge.
OR, wrong expectations are put on the husband, for example, he is asked to get new house immediately and it should be his property too.
Further problems are:
--The intrusion by young woman’s parents, in the matters of couple.
--The complaints, due to not telling true circumstances. Qol e sadid (right words), which is very important, is not used.
--Likewise, young women have some negative thoughts about man and his family. For example, man’s parents or relatives will continue to praise man before woman and try to belittle her by some excuse; she is small in height, fat, unfair colour etc….. If women is doing job for some reason, then too she listens taunting.
--Family of husband interferes in mutual relations of husband and wife.
--Wives complaints husband do not fulfill responsibility of marriage. Young men of 25/26 think they are little, they are not eligible to do marriage and cannot fulfill responsibility….If they are really little then why do they marry?
Any how series of complaints continue from both sides.
--In cases, complaints arise after many years. Children begin to grow. These are childish matters, impatience and wrong friendships create these issues.
If the reason of these family problems of various age groups is stated in one sentence, it is:
Being away from deen, ignorance and no interest of religious teachings, worldliness and having attraction for worldly things.
Thus if the solution of these problems has to be found, it should be in the light of teaching of deen because we claim we are Ahmadi and give precedence to deen over worldly life….We find the solution in Holy Quran, Ahadith and in the teaching of Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace). It is our good fortune that we believed in Islam, we are Muslim and then, in this era, accepted Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) who took pledge from us that we shall give precedence to deen over world in any case.
Thus this guidance of Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) should always be remembered as top priority, which he asked to follow at the time of finding the spouse. This tradition is narrated by Hazrat Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him). Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) said, marriage to a woman is done due to four reasons; her wealth, her ancestry, her beauty and her deen. So you choose woman with deen. May Allah do good for you.
If young men and their families keep this guidance before them, then women and their families will make deen their priority. With deen as priority, many complaints and reservation on all sides will be finished. The young man, in search of woman with deen, prioritizing deen, he will have to mold his actions according to deen. The one who will be practicing deen, there will be no discord and mischief in his house at little issues. And also family of men will not be making troubles for women.
Islam teaches that although it is priority to see deen, sometimes every supposed match is not proper for other person, that is why do Istikharah before making matrimonial ties. Seek goodness from Allah the Exalted for matrimonial tie and if goodness is not there in it according to Allah the Exalted, may He put hindrance in it.
Hazrat Khaliftul Messiah I (may Allah be pleased with him) once said about it in very beautiful way that Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) has done great benevolence by telling us such a way if we follow it, inshaAllah surely Nikah will be cause of delight and the cause and aim of Nikah is told in Holy Quran - that it should become cause of satisfaction and affection - it is produced. The first most plan is told to find deen. Beauty, wealth or only ancestry should not be the motive. First the intention should be good, then secondly do a lot of Istikharah before Nikah.
When servant prays to Allah the Exalted may he live with satisfaction, love, affection, and pray if there is satisfaction and goodness in it for me then may this tie is knotted. Then married life passes very successfully, but remember Satan continues to attack after marriage too by various ways. Thus this prayer should be done continuously that may the marriage always continue with love, affection and satisfaction.
Hazrat Khalifatul Messiah I (r.a.) said about the verses which are recited in Nikah sermon, there in there is advice is to keep Taqwa in view, have the regard for rehmi-relations [womb-related relations, relations due to female], speak qol e sadid [straight, right talk], make review what you are sending for your tomorrow. If you want to see successes in life, Taqwa is very essential….[After Istikharah, in the verses read at Nikah sermon] Allah draws attention that these verses should be used, and one should consider the result of his deeds and ponder. Then, at the occasion of greetings for Nikah, Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) taught prayer “barakallaho laka wa Baraka alaikoma wa jama’aa bainakoma fil khair” i.e. may Allah the Exalted grant you blessing, send blessing on you both, and gather you both on goodness.
Thus at each occasion, prayer for goodness and blessing is done, then matrimonial relations are blessed.
Some people are still entangled [under influence of south Asian environment] in clan, ancestry and caste while Allah the Exalted says when suggestion for marriage comes, do dua and Istikharah, give precedence to deen. Then instead doing Dua and giving precedence to deen, they view clan and caste. Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) says: “Only it should be seen in rishta nata [matrimonial connection] that with whom Nikah is to be done, he is naik-bakht [pious] and naik-waza [pious-mannered] man, and is not inflicted with any evil which causes mischief. And it should be remembered that, in deen, caste is not regarded, only Taqwa and naik-bakhti is regarded.”
Thus the basic principle is to see Taqwa, other all things are bid'aat (bad-additions).
Yes Kufw should be seen, but there should be no rigidity in it. What are limits of kufw [match, equal, fit, suitable, competent]?.....A person asked Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) an Ahmadi wants to marry his daughter to a non-kufw ahmadi, even though own kufw is available. What is your instruction? He (a.s.) said, if relation according to desire, is available in own kufw it is better than to make relation with non-kufw. But this matter is not like obligation. Everyone can well know his benefit and wellness of his children in these matters. If one does not see anyone else able in kufw, then there is no harm in making relation at other place. It is not permitted to force such person to marry his daughter to kufw in any case.
Hazrat Khalifatul Messiah II (r.a.) narrated that once such a person came to Hazrat Khalifatul Messiah I (r.a.) and said he is Syed and has a daughter, please help him . He (r.a.) said he was ready to give him all those things for marriage which Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) gave to her daughter Hazrat Fatimah (r.a.)….. The person felt it was insult….. He (r.a.) replied your honour is in being Syed. If by giving such dowry Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) was not insulted why did he feel so?
So sometimes young women hear taunting that jehaz (dowry) is less. Above narration is lesson for those who give psychological trouble to women, and it is lesson for parents of women that dowry should be given according to capacity.
Before doing Itikhara, the would-be spouse should be seen….. Hazrat Abu Hurairah (r.a.) reported that he was present with Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him). A man from Ansaar came to Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) and said he has sent message of interest for marriage to a woman of Ansaar. Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) asked him whether he has seen her? The man said no. Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said first see her because there is something in the eyes of Ansar.
Thus there is no harm to see the would be bride. But some members from young man visit the potential bride with arrogance. They say they have come since matrimonial suggestion department has suggested this relation but despite photographs are already seen, particulars are exchanged, yet they delay in giving response. They make strange talks. And if meanwhile they find someone better world-wise, they end the previous interest. It is wrong way. Majority of Ahmadi young women respect their parents, and accept their suggestions for marriage. But at some places, family of man comes, sees and then remains silent. As photo, height etc is seen, then why prolonging or passing comments, why giving psychological trouble to woman? If the purpose of marriage which is taught by deen, is practiced, then neither of such troubles should take place, nor family of man should show arrogance and play with emotions of woman.
Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) tells the purpose of marriage: “Quran has taught us that do Nikah to remain righteous, and pray to get virtuous children as He says in His pure Kalam, mohseneena ghaira musafeheen, i.e. your Nikah should be with intention that you enter in the castle of Taqwa and righteousness. It too is present in the words mohseneen that who does not marry, he not only fall in spiritual calamities, but fall in physical calamities too. Thus it is proven from Quran Sharif that there are three benefits of marriage; purity and restrain-ness, safety of health and children.”
If these things are kept in view, then problems do not take place when relations are decided. Instead of seeing worldliness, first see deen and then comes above mentioned benefits for marriage.
Please read further in Part 2, below
Edited by Mir-Peace, 24 March 2017 - 06:53 AM.