I'm not sure where to post this, and so I'll just post it here in the creative arts forum.
This message is intended for someone whose name and even gender will go unmentioned.
Trouble not yourself with life's lessons for they are yours to learn from. Hating yourself for coming to a realization is but a product of an awareness of the greater world about you. Heed your own inner-guidance because it is your best teacher and mentor--which will see you through to the glory that is truly your character.
If I may suggest, you may retire from all that which has become burdensome to you--because of your new understandings in life. Acknowledge these lessons learned and move on to other interests or explore curious things that you have yet to explore. Make new friends and/or change the scenery in which you live... the key word here is 'change' because that change is stirring within you.
We are all blessed in our own ways, and it is simply a matter of choosing these blessings and making them a part of our being/life.
It takes two to tango... perhaps all you need is a new dance partner and all else will simply fall in to place.