Jump to content

Theme© by Fisana
 

Photo

Blessed are those that laugh....


  • Please log in to reply
1580 replies to this topic

#1 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 03 June 2003 - 01:44 PM

Introducing the humour thread - again.:D :D :D

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
  • 0

#2 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 03 June 2003 - 02:09 PM

"According to the latest issue of Washingtonian magazine, Bill Clinton has decided to run for mayor of New York City in 2005. It's perfect. The city that never sleeps with the man who sleeps with everyone."
  • 0

#3 lynn

lynn

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3472 posts

Posted 04 June 2003 - 05:37 PM

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic
escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old
lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed
the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a
genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted
out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his
hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea
turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping
of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered
their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the
boat!"
  • 0

#4 lynn

lynn

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3472 posts

Posted 04 June 2003 - 08:01 PM

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Victor Borge
  • 0

#5 Rich

Rich

    Banned

  • Banned
  • PipPipPip
  • 317 posts

Posted 04 June 2003 - 08:07 PM

Cowkimon. {Chuckle}
  • 0

#6 sl0tw0n

sl0tw0n

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 60 posts

Posted 04 June 2003 - 11:59 PM

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.


OMG!

this is just great...

plus its actually a good way to explain certain types of government to less politically savvy people
  • 0

#7 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 05 June 2003 - 02:07 PM

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
  • 0

#8 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 05 June 2003 - 02:09 PM

American History 101

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's

"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"

Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
  • 0

#9 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 05 June 2003 - 02:12 PM

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland ****, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared
  • 0

#10 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 05 June 2003 - 02:14 PM

So where are those Weapons of Mass Distraction?
  • 0

#11 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 05 June 2003 - 02:16 PM

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
  • 0

#12 lynn

lynn

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3472 posts

Posted 05 June 2003 - 04:29 PM

A driver is stopped by a police officer.

The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
  • 0

#13 lynn

lynn

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3472 posts

Posted 05 June 2003 - 05:19 PM

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
[Editor's note: someone pointed out that "I do" is just as short
a sentence, but it's also the longest sentence! ]
  • 0

#14 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 06 June 2003 - 03:30 PM

THE AMERICAN icon, cult figure, and entertainer supreme who made the American nation, its people and the army laugh during the past 60 years is Bob Hope. He celebrated his birth centenary last month (May 2003).

He has created American entertainment history at many levels
  • 0

#15 Guest_piehunt_*

Guest_piehunt_*
  • Guests

Posted 06 June 2003 - 09:13 PM

Hiya Mission,
Now that's a funny story, do you know if it is true?? :)
  • 0

#16 Guest_piehunt_*

Guest_piehunt_*
  • Guests

Posted 06 June 2003 - 09:33 PM

That's another funny one! :D
  • 0

#17 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 07 June 2003 - 06:41 PM

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
  • 0

#18 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 07 June 2003 - 06:46 PM

"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
  • 0

#19 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 07 June 2003 - 06:55 PM

President Bush is in the Middle East this week to promote his Middle East peace plan. I don't think Bush quite gets it. Like today he said, 'Everything would work out in the Middle East if the Palestinians and the Israelis would just start acting like good Christians.'"
  • 0

#20 Agnostic

Agnostic

    Registered User

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 9978 posts

Posted 08 June 2003 - 11:29 AM

IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH...

He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon completion of His construction permit and environmental impact statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions. When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep." Then God said, "Let there be Light."

He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air Pollution? God explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of fire.

Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the burning; 2) a separate burning permit would be required; and 3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark half of the time. So God agreed to divide the Light and the Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)

When asked how the earth would be covered, God said, "Let there be firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from the waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of double talk, but the Council tabled action since God would have to first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management) and further would be required to
obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved.

The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and God said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed, and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed would be used. About future development God also said, "Let the waters bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobonangelic Society.

It then appeared the everything was in order until God stated that He wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Council that his timing was was completely out of the question...HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the application and environmental impact statement, and then there would be public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would be granted.

God said, "To Hell with it!"
  • 0




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

Copyright © 2020 Pravda.Ru