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#21 Agnostic

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Posted 13 June 2003 - 12:51 PM

"Hillary is everywhere. Last night she's on Barbara Walters, this morning she's on Katie Couric, and tomorrow she goes on Diane Sawyer. This is the first time Hillary has been on more women than Bill." Jay Leno

"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'" Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton kicked off her big thirty-city book tour to remind us what a private person she is. ... She had a big book signing party at Barnes & Noble and, listen to this, the first fifty people to show up got to sleep with Bill." David letterman

"Hillary said that when she first set eyes on Bill Clinton back in college he had a beard and he reminded her of a Viking, which is perfect because she reminded him of Iceland. ... Like a Viking, he is still out conquering and exploring virgin territory." Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, former President Clinton has already read his wife's new book five times. In fact, the former president has now spent more time in bed with the book than he has with Hillary." Conan O'Brien

"Hillary said that one of the reasons she stayed with Bill so long is because no one can make her laugh like he does, especially when he says stuff like, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'" Jay Leno

"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling. Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other." Craig Kilborn

"Hillary also said that she got advice from Jackie Kennedy. Jackie Kennedy warned her about the dangerous attractions around charismatic politicians. Jackie told her that Bill, like Jack Kennedy, had a personal magnetism that inspired strong feelings from people. Of course, Kennedy attracted good-looking women." Jay Leno

"Hillary said during the Lewinsky scandal a lot of people reached out at her including the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama called her at the White House. He told her that Bill's ying and yang were out of balance. The Dalai Lama told her Bill was spending too much time on his yang." Jay Leno

"You know who should actually read this book, President Clinton. That way he can find out exactly what she doesn't know about so he can keep doing that." Craig Kilborn

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton says that when President Clinton confessed to her about his affair, she wanted to, quote, 'Wring his neck.' Hillary decided against it when she realized choking Bill would only enhance his orgasm." Conan O'Brien
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#22 Agnostic

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Posted 13 June 2003 - 04:07 PM

"I'm the master of low expectations."

George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things."

George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
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#23 lynn

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Posted 14 June 2003 - 01:25 AM

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to
overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher
was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in
long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church
while the other stayed at the back of the church.
They both then reached under their coats and
withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing
to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir.
The deacons ran out the door, followed by the
choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty
people left sitting in the church. The preacher
was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently,
to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites
are gone now. You may begin the service."
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#24 Agnostic

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Posted 14 June 2003 - 10:41 AM

Top 11 pithy Texas sayings.

11. "Fool me once... shame on... shame on you... get fooled, won't get fooled again." (G.W.B. 9/18/02)

10. A fool and his money is the roots of all evil.

9. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him phonics and he's hooked on them.

8. Children should be seen by social services and not heard from again (Jeb).

7. He who laughs last needs to be reminded who's tellin' the joke.

6. Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels, so I'm directing Gale Norton to dedicate all available resources of the Department of the Interior to preserve this refuge and maintain this important species.

5. Life is like a box of chocolates, those on the bottom get crushed.

4. Keep your friends close... and your enemies on the CIA payroll.

3. Time waits, for no man is an island... except Gilligan, no, wait, he wasn't an island either.

2. The price of freedom is... about $27 a barrel.

1. Never put off 'til tomorrow what your dad didn't do eleven years ago.
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#25 Agnostic

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Posted 16 June 2003 - 01:06 PM

This is from an actual trial in theUK:
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court,the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The GoldDust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!!!
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#26 ILLGetIt1Day

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Posted 17 June 2003 - 06:48 PM

A few days ago I was having some work done at Eastgate Ford.

A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there...[follow the link]
http://oldtraveler.c.../Images/oil.jpg
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#27 Agnostic

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Posted 23 June 2003 - 02:33 AM

ILLGetIt1Day,
710. ROFLMAO. Give us more, pal.
Mission,
I've taken down the A is for arthritis.......Z is for zest definitions. Nice way to learn the alphabet.:D
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#28 erik_ud

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Posted 23 June 2003 - 12:13 PM

any more good jokes?
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#29 ILLGetIt1Day

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Posted 23 June 2003 - 06:57 PM

The world according to America...

link to map
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#30 erik_ud

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Posted 24 June 2003 - 08:39 AM

very funny indeed!
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#31 Sketchy

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Posted 24 June 2003 - 03:09 PM

A bloke pulls a bird in a club and takes her back to his place.

She says to him "Tie me up and do what men do best!"

So he ties her up, farts, picks his nose then shags her best mate.
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#32 traveller

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Posted 24 June 2003 - 08:13 PM

Ah, but Mission, I was a mechanic for 25 years and I found that the only difference between a good mechanic and a good doctor was that doctors wash their hands AFTER they go to the toilet:D
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#33 traveller

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Posted 25 June 2003 - 12:03 PM

Or other delicate parts of the anatomy:)
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#34 erik_ud

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Posted 25 June 2003 - 12:07 PM

LOL!
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#35 ILLGetIt1Day

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Posted 30 June 2003 - 03:03 AM

this could single-handedly be one of the funniest things that you will ever watch -- if not that - it'll make your day a lot brighter!

http://www.sibaldesign.com/thong.html
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#36 lacrymosa

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Posted 04 July 2003 - 10:50 AM

Blessed are those who are not the brightest...
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#37 Odd

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Posted 04 July 2003 - 01:38 PM

All men, except a Holy Father and a Reverend, please take notice!


AFTER YOU READ THIS MESSAGE, YOU'LL SURPRISE AND REALIZE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN ROUGHLY, AND SO, YOU'LL EXAMINE YOURSELF AGAIN.

BUT, ANYWAY, I'M SURE THAT THE READING WILL MAKE YOU FRUITFUL.

DIDN'T YOU TAKE YOUR TESTICLES ROUGHLY WHEN YOU ENJOYED HOTBATH, SAUNA, HOTSHOWER, FAR-INFRARED RAYS? NEWSPAPER SAYS THAT THE TESTICLES OF THE WORKERS AROUND THE KILM, FURNACE, OVEN AND MELTING TANK ARE WEAKEN SLOWLY DAY BY DAY.

DOCTORS ARE WARNING THAT TESTICLES OF THOSE DRIVERS FOR TAXI, BUS, TRUCK.... ARE GETTING WEAKER AND THEIR SPERMATOZOA IS FACED WITH SERIOUS DAMAGE OR DEATH AS THEY STAY OR WORK IN HIGH TEMPERATURE.

SPERMATOZOA IS PRECIOUS SEED FOR YOUR OFFSPRING IN FURTHER FUTURE.

THEREFORE, I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT ALL MEN, EXCEPT A HOLY FATHER AND A REVEREND, SHOULD WEAR SAUNA PANTS WHEN THEIR TESTICLES ARE FACED WITH HEATING.

PLEASE, LISTEN TO THE SEED'S CRYING CAUSED BY PAINFUL THERMAL SHOCK!

IT'S A VERY NICE THERMAL INSULATION TO WEAR COOL AND CHILLY PANTS, WE CALL "SAUNA PANTS", FOR EVERY MEN WHO WANT TO PROTECT THEIR TESTICLES FROM THERMAL SHOCK WHILE THEY ARE TAKING A HOT BATH, SAUNA, HOTSHOWER, FAR-INFRARED RAYS AND WORKING IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIGH TEMPERATURE.

GENERALLY, WHEN MEN TAKE A HOT BATH THEY FEEL SO GOOD WITH NAKED BODY, BUT FROM NOW ON, THEY SHOULD WEAR SAUNA PANTS.

IN KOREA, OLD MEN SAY THAT THE SWEET BOY SHOULD BROUGHT UP AS CHILLY AS POSSIBLE. FRANKLY SPEAKING, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANT WHEN I WAS YOUNG, BUT NOW I REALIZE THAT IT MEANS THE HEALTH OF THE TESTICLES AND SPERMATOZOA.

IN A POINT OF VIEW OF MEDICAL SCIENCE, THE REPRODUCTION ABILITY OF THE TESTICLES GOES DOWN SHARPLY AND THE LIVES OF SPERMATOZOA ARE FACED WITH DEATH AS THE TEMPERATURE GOES UP, AS A RESULT, THE PRECIOUS BOY, TREATING HIS TESTICLE AS HOT, WILL HAVE SOME TROUBLES IN HAVING A BABY IN THE FUTURE.

IT IS WELL KNOWN MEDICAL TREATMENT FOR A MAN OF STERILITY THAT APPLYING A ICE PACK REPEATEDLY ON THE SCROTUM.

AS YOU KNOW WELL, THERE ARE A LOT OF PROVES OF KEEPING A TESTICLE COLD FOR THE IMPROVEMENT OF MEN'S HEALTH BASED ON SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS SUCH AS USING FROZEN SPERMATOZOA FOR MAKING A BABY AFTER THAWING IT, AN ICE PACK TREATMENT ON THE SCROTUM FOR STERILE MEN, THE FACT THAT A TESTICLE, WHOSE SURFACE IS COVERED WITH CRUMPLED SKIN FOR THE FUNCTION OF TEMPERATURE CONTROL, IS LOCATED ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BODY AND SO ON.

IN SUMMERTIME YOU CAN SEE THE TESTICLES OF THE OXEN HUNG DOWN AT A FARM VILLAGE.

THE DESCRIPTIONS WHICH I WROTE ABOVE ARE THE GOOD EXAMPLES THAT TESTICLES SHOULD BE KEPT COLD.

BUT TODAY, MEN ENJOY A HOT BATH FOR RELAXING, OVERCOMING A HOT SEASON AS A TRADITIONAL WAY, FOR A SLEEP, AND THE BATH OF FAR-INFRARED RAYS FOR THEIR HEALTH.

BUT DURING THEIR ENJOYMENT OF THE HOT BATH, THEIR TESTICLES ARE WEAKENED SLOWLY DAY BY DAY.

ON THE OTHER HAND, WE SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORKERS IN THE INDUSTRY SITE.
THE TESTICLES OF WORKERS AROUND THE HEAT FACILITIES, LIKE IRON MANUFACTURING PLANT, GLASS MELTING PLANT, CEMENT KILN, AND TILE FURNACE ETC., WILL BE WEAKENED DAY BY DAY IF THEY DON'T TAKE CARE OF IT.

AS ONE OF EXPERTS GRADUATED FROM TECHNICAL UNIVERSITY, AND AN ENGINEER, HAVING A CAREER OF 20 YEARS IN THERMAL INSULATION SECTION, AT LAST I DESIGNED AND MANUFACTURED SAUNA PANTS FOR PROTECTING THE SEED OF THE MEN WHO ENJOYING HOT BATH, SAUNA, AND FOR THE MEN WHO WORKING AROUND THE HEAT FACILITIES.

VARIOUS KIND OF DESIGNED PANTS ARE APPLIED FOR THE PATENT AUTHORITIES AS NO.1100506567047 AND NO.1100538158251 AND ACCORDING TO THE INTERNATIONAL LAW OF PATENT, OUR COMPANY CAN CLAIM THE RIGHT OF THESE GOODS PRIOR TO ANY ONE.

AT NOW, I AM PRODUCING ONE KIND OF SAMPLES WHICH ONE OF THE VARIOUS MODEL.

I AM SURE THESE PANTS WILL BE NECESSITIESS FOR ALL MEN.

IF A WOMAN BUY THESE GOODS AS THE PRESENT TO HER LOVER, SHE MAY BE MORE LOVED BY HER LOVER.

EACH HOME, HOT SPRING PLACE, HOT BATH PLACE, HOTEL, SAUNA PLACE, AND THE WORKERS AT HEAT FACILITIES ARE PROVIDED WITH SAUNA PANTS IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

YES, IT IS TOO BIG BUSINESS FOR ONE COMPANY TO DO.

SO, I SEEK FOR SOME BUSINESS PARTNERS WHO PRODUCE / SELL TO THE DOMESTIC/ ABROAD MARKET.

http://saunapants.co.kr/
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#38 Agnostic

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Posted 04 July 2003 - 02:11 PM

I didnt realize English could be such a difficult language.:D
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#39 Source

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Posted 05 July 2003 - 02:01 PM

two gay cowboys:

cowboy 1: y'up?

cowboy 2: yup.
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#40 Agnostic

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Posted 07 July 2003 - 10:44 AM

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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