Blessed are those that laugh....
Posted 07 July 2003 - 12:56 PM
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go the Hell. Since
there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year,
that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A".
Posted 16 July 2003 - 10:18 PM
John askes if there is anything he can do for his lad.
"Well Pa, i seen you do a lot of things in the movies, i seen you kill
injuns, i seen you kill cowboys and i seen you kill Vietcong. Pa i never
seen you masterbate in a movie though, could you do it for me?"
So big John whips it out and starts to crack one off, at this point in walks
the Sheriff and asks what the hell is going on.
"I just come for my boy"
Posted 18 July 2003 - 10:09 AM
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
Posted 19 July 2003 - 08:30 AM
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient-s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can-t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
This patient has been under many psychiatrists in the past.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
She was divorced last April. No other serious illness.
Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.
The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other people.
The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and eat himself.
The patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist.
Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her forties.
Physician has been following the patient-s breast for six years.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above the knee amputation last year.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Posted 19 July 2003 - 12:58 PM
For a good time, call...oh, wait a minute, wrong forum...and Mission's probably busy anyway...
Posted 20 July 2003 - 02:14 AM
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the
Posted 26 July 2003 - 04:06 PM
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless
Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him.
Posted 29 July 2003 - 04:53 PM
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and
Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.
Here are the three winners:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
Posted 30 July 2003 - 05:01 PM
This is something to think about when negative
people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less, makes your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She
mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded
and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.
"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly, and their planes are always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over
on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further." I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special
and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst
hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the
service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we
hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You
and a million other people trying to see him. He'll
look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a
hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were
we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food
and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel
was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite
at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, five minutes I knelt down while he spoke
a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo ?
Posted 01 August 2003 - 04:13 PM
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders.....6-year-olds,
1. Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
7. No news is..................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.............................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
13. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................not much.
17. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
25. Better late than.........................pregnant!!!!
Posted 10 August 2003 - 01:04 PM
God tells him that he will have 3 choices of how he will spend his time while in pergatory and he will be replacing someone that will be going off to heaven.
In the first room was a large pool with rocks on the bottom. God told GWB that he would have to keep diving to the bottom of the pool & bringing the rocks to the top - GWB said he wasn't a good swimmer & didn't want to do that.
In the second room was the desert. There was a man wondering aimlessly thru the desert. GWB said that he didn't prefer the heat all that much, so he didn't want to do that.
In the third room was Bill & Monica. Monica was doing her thing on Bill. GWB said that he wanted to stay in that room - he could handle that. God said, ok if that's your decision. GWB said yes.
God said, ok Monica, you can leave now.
Posted 14 August 2003 - 11:34 AM
- Gaelic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
-The Dutch War Tied.
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War. Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
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